As Murphy’s Law would have it, children’s tantrums seem to happen at the most inconvenient times.
Your toddler or independent-minded 3-year-old turns red, screams, stomps, and appears possessed when you’ve finally gotten everyone geared up for a family walk, or wrangled that video call you spent days coordinating with relatives to get everyone live at once — or even worse, when you need silence for your weekly video conference call at work.
“What’s gotten into you? We don’t have time for this!” you might think. Everything you say and do seems to make the tantrum worse, and it takes all of your remaining resources not to throw a tantrum yourself. What can you do instead when your child throws a tantrum? Below is a three-step strategy that can help.
Validate emotions behind the tantrum
Validating someone’s emotions means acknowledging them. You are not agreeing or disagreeing with the feelings; you are demonstrating that you hear the other person.
You likely have noticed that logic does not go over well with a child throwing a tantrum. For example, let’s say your child throws a tantrum while demanding a cookie before dinner. “Why are you so unhappy? You know you cannot have dessert before dinner,” you point out logically. Most likely, the child’s ears will close, and the tantrum will escalate because they don’t feel heard. Instead, validating their emotions can help them identify how they are feeling, which is one step toward helping them regulate or calm their emotions.
In this case, you can state, “You’re angry with me because I won’t give you a cookie before dinner.” Sometimes, you might just validate the feeling and leave it at that. Other times, a second clause helps illustrate that two opposing statements can be true at the same time: “You’re angry with me because I won’t give you a cookie before dinner, and you can have one after dinner.” If you’re trying this, it’s important to use the conjunction “and” and not “but.” That way, you won’t negate the first part of the clause.
Your child probably won’t smile and agreeably walk away. However, validating can prevent an escalation of the tantrum and curtail the intensity of the emotion.
Actively ignore dandelions
Any behavior that gets attention will continue. Imagine a garden: your child is the rose that needs just the right amount of sunlight and water; the dandelions are the unhelpful behaviors, such as tantrums. If you so much as blink in a dandelion’s direction, you know that you will have a garden full of dandelions. This is why after validating once, the next step is to ignore.
Some parents are concerned that they aren’t doing anything when they ignore. You are; you are ignoring actively, which takes effort. This will be very tough. Expect the behavior to get worse before it gets better (what is known as an “extinction burst”). Remind yourself that you are ignoring the dandelions and not your child. Pay attention to anything else: pick the lint off your sweater, do the dishes, or count the clouds in the sky. Do not water the dandelions, though. If you ignore actively for 10 minutes and then eventually shout at your child or just give the child the cookie, the child will learn that he needs to push longer to get attention or the desired outcome. Then you will have even more dandelions in your garden.
Praise cooperative behavior
The moment your child re-engages in a cooperative manner, praise your child enthusiastically and specifically. For example, “Way to go on joining us at the dinner table respectfully! I am really proud of you.” If you start to hear pleading for a cookie again, go back to ignoring the dandelions. When the rose — your child — returns, provide more praise. You may feel silly bouncing back and forth, but it’s important to water the appropriate flower in the garden — that is, the behavior you want to see.
These strategies apply even when you are in public. Understandably, you may be concerned about what others think of you as a parent while you actively ignore the tantrum. Some parents worry that others are imagining that they do not know how to handle their children. You also might feel utterly humiliated and helpless that you cannot control your child’s behavior.
As you take a deep breath, remember this: You certainly are not the first parent to have a child throw a tantrum in public. Other parents around you likely were in your shoes not long before you. If you feel compelled to do so, you can let others around you know that you are ignoring actively to help your child settle down.
No matter where the tantrums occur, validate your feelings, too. Feeling frustrated or embarrassed is understandable. Remember, though, that the rose will return if you do not water the dandelions.
Tantrums seem to happen at the most inconvenient times.
Is your child giving you a hard time about wearing a mask?
Parents know. Tantrums over wearing a mask in public. Complaints of masks being too itchy or too tight. It begs the question: How will young children learn to keep the mask on for long periods of time? Here are tips from experts.
1. Let children ask questions
Lorraine Breffni, the executive director of Early Childhood at Nova Southeastern University’s University School Mailman Segal Center, said that all ages of children will have questions about face coverings. She said it’s important to get their cooperation with wearing masks.
The younger they are, the more basic the answers should be.
“Parents should say it’s to help them keep from getting themselves and getting other people sick,” said Breffni.
There are also social stories, learning tools for people with autism spectrum disorders, available online to introduce mask-wearing to children. Del Río-Roberts recommended these three (link 1 | link 2 | link 3).
“Start to process with the child ahead of time before the expectation that they’re supposed to be in school for an extended period of time,” said Del Río-Roberts.
2. Give time to transition
The first time a child wears a mask for an extended period of time should not be the first day of school. Parents should practice mask-wearing at home and make it a fun activity for the children by adding it to their places of play.
For children in special education, Del Río-Roberts suggested to slowly expose them for 15 minutes at a time and increase from there. Positive reinforcement — like a snack or extra playtime — is important, even if the child doesn’t reach the goal.
“Start early and start incrementally,” said Del Río-Roberts.
3. Customize masks
Just as adults have preferences for the type of mask they wear, children do as well. Adults should be flexible and allow children to experiment with what kind of mask they wear, whether medical, cloth or other types.
This also allows the tone of the mask to change. Children can personalize their masks with their favorite animals or cartoon characters.
4. Turn it into a routine
Breffni said it’s important that parents destress and make mask wearing an everyday task, just like brushing teeth.
Both experts advised against using punitive measures if children have difficulty keeping their masks on. For special needs children, Del Río-Roberts said to redirect their attention.
“If they’re trying to grab it, move their hand or shift their attention to another task,” said Del Río-Roberts.
5. Learn by example
Children will notice and emulate adults complaining about wearing a mask every day.
“If we make it an everyday practice and don’t push our own fears, they can take it very matter-of-factly,” said Breffni.
There is also more to preventative measures than wearing masks, and adults should use positive reinforcement to encourage good hygiene in all aspect of their lives.
