When Kira Sabin was working on a cruise ship planning social activities, she drew the short straw: singles ages 50 and older.

"They'd show up in the bar and nobody would talk, like a high school dance," she said. "Some of them hadn't been on a date in 40 years and, since then, everything is different with online dating and personals ads."

Sabin, who is the exuberant type, realized she had a knack for getting people out of dating dormancy. "I'd see some of them leave as couples, and almost always with new friends," she said. "After talking to so many divorced and widowed singles on ships, I really saw the need there and I knew I could be the support and sounding board that they needed."

On returning to Madison, where she came to be closer to her family in Richland Center, she decided to earn certification as a "Certified Professional Coach" specializing in dating, and started Get Out There! Madison's Singles Events and Travel.

"My friends are always asking me for dating advice," she said, "and now they're wondering if I'm going to charge them."

The first step is getting people to think about what they really want from dating.

"Most people have no idea what they actually want," Sabin said. "When you go on vacation you have a destination, and the same should be true of dating. A lot of people think, I'll know it or feel it when the right person is in front of me.' But it's not that simple. Dating coaches will help people attract what they want."

And contrary to popular opinion, not all women want to snag a husband.

Beyond looks

"Most women who've been in long marriages say the last thing they want is another husband, they just want somebody to go to a movie or dinner with," Sabin said. "It's the men in that age group who want another wife. Studies show that men enjoy marriage much more than women. Sixty to sixty-five percent of people who seek dating coaches are men, because they have to approach women and ask them out."

The problem for a lot of singles, Sabin said, is that they pay too much attention to the superficial package of prospective dates.

"A woman might say, 'I'm turned off by guys who wear white tennis shoes.' Or they judge him by how much money they make," she said. "Their list of deal-breakers is too long. They turn away before they explore a person as a whole, and the possibilities they offer."

That said, Sabin also works with an image consultant who will take aspiring daters shopping, help them weed through their closets and advise them on flattering colors.

"One guy hated shopping so much that he paid somebody to go shopping for him at Goodwill three times a year," she said. Visits to spas and salons might also be part of dating overhauls. "I've seen women who haven't cut their hair in 15 years."

But she warns women against going to the other extreme by showing up for a first date with plunging necklines or short skirts, "That's not a way to create a healthy relationship. Wear something that makes you feel sexy and comfortable, but don't be showy."

Sabin also works with an interior decorator who goes to clients' residences to determine if they are "dating friendly." Women who cover their beds with stuffed animals or men who plaster their walls with "Star Wars" posters may require decor interventions. "You don't need to spend money, but you might need to move things around."

Clients can also opt for 45-minute fake dates that are videotaped and analyzed. "Then I ask them if they think the date went well. Bad daters usually say yes, that the conversation flowed. But that was only because they did all the talking, and they're poor listeners," Sabin said. "If you spent 45 minutes talking about being a Boy Scout 30 years ago, you need help. Some people choose conversation subjects that are so superficial that they find out nothing significant about each other."

Bad daters also talk too much about previous relationships, or about the future.

"They want to be honest, but not on the first date," Sabin said. "Drinking too much on a first or second date also leads to all kinds of bloopers. It leads to getting intimate too fast, or revealing too much information. You've got to keep a little mystery."

Short, sweet

Another mistake is first dates that are four- or five-hour marathons. "Keep it short," Sabin advises. "Meet for coffee or a drink, or a dinner than doesn't last more than about two hours. Why put too much pressure on yourself? If you find out everything about someone on the first date it isn't exciting."

Daters should also pay heed body to language. "If a man is talking to you but his foot is pointed at another woman, he's not into you: men point their feet at the woman in the room they're most attracted to," she said. "If someone is backing away from you it's because you did or said something to turn them off. Don't lean further into them or it will get worse." If your date has arms crossed in front of them, that's another hint that you should start thinking about what flavor of ice cream to console yourself with after the date ends prematurely.

If you're both leaning into one another and mirroring one another's movements, though, that's a green light. "Mirroring creates an instant connection."

Sabin, who is 34 and single, also cautions that successful dating also requires watching for red flags: daters who want to get intimate too quickly; those who have treated their parents, their exes or friends badly; complainers who say they are always getting the raw deal; girls' girls or guys' guys who always put their friends first; Mr. Smooth, who says all the right things (but says all the right things to all the women he dates); people who use relationships as security blankets or are desperate to marry anyone with a pulse. "A date should be fun, so you can't be a grappling hook -- you should be a magnet that attracts."

Has she ever turned anyone away for being undatable?

"Just once. A woman came to me insisting that she wanted to start dating. But she and her ex were still calling each other at least six times a day. What if she went out on a dinner date and her ex called her in the middle of the meal? I told her to come back when she's actually ready to move on.

"It's not hard to get into a relationship," she said, "but it is hard to find one that's worth keeping."

Getting in, staying in

That's why freelance journalist/editor Rachel Rasmussen recently hired Sabin to help her understand why she isn't currently dating.

"When people ask me why I'm not dating anyone, I don't have an answer for that -- but I'd like to. I believe luck favors the prepared," she said recently in the immaculate and stylish apartment on Madison's East Side from which she works. Rasmussen, 32, describes herself as a "professional gypsy" who has moved five times in the past 10 years. "I feel like I've landed at home in Madison, and now I'm interested in being in a relationship. I think you 'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who is single who says they want to be single for the rest of their life."

Rasmussen, a Green Bay native who graduated from UW-Eau Claire, describes her dating history as "pretty typical" with a few long relationships interspersed with dates that went nowhere for various reasons. She briefly checked out online dating when she was in her 20s and decided it wasn't for her. She never tried personal ads, matchmaking services or singles events -- and has no plans to do so. "I'm friendly but I've never been flirty and there's a difference," she said. "I'm sincere, and if I tried to flirt I'd look like a fool," Rasmussen said. "I'm shy and I'm cautious; I don't open up until I get the lay of the land. But if I see a good-looking person in a coffee shop I don't want to be afraid to smile at them.

"I need to learn to shift gears between professional and personal," Rasmussen said. "Kira has helped me understand other people 's body language, and my own."

Time is another issue. Rasmussen often works 12 to 14 hour days and doesn't have time or interest in the bar scene. "If I'm out at a bar socially with friends, that's what I'm there to do. I have to look for efficiencies, and you need to be smart and safe when it comes to meeting people."

Sabin is encouraging Rasmussen to lose her "I'll know him when I see him. . . he'll find me" attitude.

"I'm a pretty whole person, and I'd like to find someone who's the same," Rasmussen said. "My life is good and I'd like to share that with somebody. But every professional person in my age group will tell you the same thing: Madison's a college town, and 90 percent of the people my age are married. Single professional people need to be able to find each other, and I think having a dating coach for a while could probably help all of us."

For more information on Kira Sabin's dating coach services and Get Out There! Madison's Singles Events and Travel, visit www.kirasabin.com, e-mail info@kirasabin.com or call 604-4333.