Local breast cancer survivors feel betrayed by John Edwards
For many Madison breast cancer survivors, the most shocking thing about John Edwards' marital infidelity confession last week was the line, "She was in remission."
Edwards was referring to the fact that his wife Elizabeth was recovering from treatment for breast cancer at the time he was involved in a tryst with another woman. "So it's OK to stray since she wasn't vomiting from chemo?" snorted Sue E. Abitz, who has organized retreats for hundreds of Wisconsin women battling breast cancer. "Give me a break!"
Local survivors of breast cancer say that for them, the Edwards affair brings up painful issues.
"I feel betrayed, and he's not even my husband," said Kirsten Norslien, program manager for Gilda's Club, which is opening its doors this week in Middleton to those affected by cancer.
Breast cancer affects one out of six women in America. It is the second leading cause of cancer deaths among the nation's women, and in Madison, the focus of a powerful network of breast cancer clinics, hospitals and support services.
Local experts claim that Edward's remission remark was not only self-serving but misleading. To many laymen, remission means cure. "The harsh reality is that for breast cancer, there is no cure. There's just what we call NED -- no evidence of disease. It's always lurking," said Judi Janowski, who has run retreats for women battling breast cancer and is a survivor herself. Indeed, in 2007, only months after John Edwards' fling, Elizabeth announced that her cancer had metastasized and was incurable.
Another issue raised by Edward's affair, survivors and experts say, is the insecurity many women feel as cancer and its treatment takes a toll on their bodies and relationships -- and a fear that as a result, their partners may leave or cheat on them. Treatment can be tough. Chemotherapy, radiation and drugs turn nails and cuticles black, and discolor and dry skin. Hair, eyelashes and eyebrows fall out. And of course, women can end up losing part or all of one or both breasts. A recent survey co-sponsored by the American Cancer Society found that 69 percent of women said their appearance changed during chemotherapy and radiation, and 83 percent described themselves as feeling self-conscious about these changes. Nearly half reported that the changes in their appearance resulted in those around them treating them differently. "I hate to think of all the women I've met who deal with body image issues, and now with the Edwards affair, they've got to worry that hubby will do the same thing. This is going to be a real trigger," Janowski said.
Edwards blamed his infidelity on his ego and narcissism, but many counselors suspected that the pressures of dealing with his wife's cancer might have played a role as well. "Caregiving is hard. The pressure can become overwhelming, and there aren't enough templates for how to deal with it in a healthy and holistic way. When the pressure becomes overwhelming, too many caregivers will get sick or do the John Edwards thing. It becomes an escape hatch," said Penny Andrews, a chaplain at UW Hospital and Clinics who runs weekly support groups for caregivers. At the breast cancer recovery retreats run by Abitz, women join in a symbolic ceremony where they take stones and throw them into a lake to represent the importance of shedding burdens from their past to focus on the future. "There have been an awful lot of partners thrown into the lake," Abitz said. Those relationships were probably in trouble even before the cancer diagnosis. "I've never seen a situation where cancer and nothing else caused the relationship to splinter," said Libby Caes, the oncology chaplain at UW Hospital and Clinics, and a survivor herself of breast cancer.
Another reality of breast cancer treatment that many survivors are too embarrassed to acknowledge is that treatment often leads to an abrupt and early onset of menopause, along with all the terrible side effects, including hot flashes, extreme mood swings and a lack of sexual interest. "A woman's body is drying up, which can make it very difficult to experience sexual intimacy," explains Ellen Barnard, a social worker and co-owner of A Woman's Touch, a sexuality resource center and store in Madison. "A lot of women have all kinds of fears that their partners will look elsewhere. But if couples work together, they can maintain their relationships." Barnard is producing a training program for health care providers and counselors on sexuality for those who have survived breast cancer and also offers free workshops at her store.
Many relationships end up stronger because of the cancer. Years ago, Tamlyn Akins' partner left her a couple of months into chemotherapy when her hair started to fall out. She didn't miss him much -- "he was a schmuck" -- but she did miss her old body. "It was a real shock," Akins said. "When you lose a breast, you lose your feminine identity for a time." She figured nobody would ever be attracted to her again. But today the artist is happily married and living on a farm in Black Earth. "I found myself a rare man who was not at all deterred by the missing-a-breast thing," she reported. "He always makes me feel beautiful. So it was all for the best."
Not all breast cancer survivors in Madison, of course, were interested in the Edwards story or even aware of it. Having cancer teaches you to focus on what matters most to you in life, they said, and for Suey Starczynski of McFarland, that doesn't include politicians. "They're all sleazebags," she said. On the other hand, Starczynski was eager to talk about Deanna Favre, another celebrity wife battling breast cancer. "Don't even get me started on Brett Favre!" she said. "I'm mad he's not home supporting her. So he doesn't stay retired because he gets the itch? It's a game! Grow up!"
sdoherty@madison.com
Madison breast cancer survivors say they feel betrayed by John Edwards' infidelity to his wife, Elizabeth.
